Sweet Molly Malone* welcomes you to this exploration of the worst back yard in Dallas. She looks at you skeptically because she is not sure she should allow anyone to see this disgrace in her yard. Seriously, she’s embarrassed, which means a lot coming from a dog who has no problem sniffing other dog’s behinds.
*Our dogs do not normally look this bedraggled. We rescued Molly from the streets in south Dallas just before this was taken. She was starved, almost totally lacking in hair, and had sores all over her body. Plus, she’s heart worm positive. Poor boo boo! She’s doing great, now, though!
We start with a shot of some bamboo the previous owner planted. My dear husband took MY clippers to it but gave up half way through. I left it that way because it at least shields part of our yard from our neighbors who are nice people. They don’t deserve to have to look upon our disgrace. But you just wait until you see my husband’s other project. It’s, um, special. In a bad way.
Here we get into the biggest problem in our poor yard. We had grass back here but it died under the pecan tree. I spent the better part of two months covering the ground with newspapers and mulch to try and get back to a place where we could plan for something new. That was not the smartest course of action when you have 4 dogs. Do you like all of the stuff lying around? It gives the yard depth! It draws the eye away from the mulch! No? Dang it!
Speaking of stuff lying around: What disaster of a yard would be complete without a pink flamingo? Meet Pinky Tuscadero. She’s embarrassed to be there. So is the garden monkey behind her. They’re trying to blend in, like clowns at a phobia convention. Poor dears!
Do you like the mower? It’s nice to have one, isn’t it? What? I don’t have grass? LALALALA! I can’t hear you! The gravel was not my fault. Someone tried to make a path without actually digging it out, lining it or putting borders on it. I fall on that gravel all.the.time. To be fair, I’m not the most graceful person. I have a dream of installing a French drain around our patio and putting the gravel on top of it. If it weren’t for that pesky sewer line! Maybe I can dig around it. What’s that you say? Broken sewer lines are not happy occurrences? Oh, you silly bunny!
This is where I store all of the plastic pots I have that I swear I will use for more seed starting someday. Oh, and that’s a compost pile on the right. Do you see the black bins on the left? That was my husband’s idea for a dog poop removal system. It didn’t work. Let’s just say that a black bin buried in the ground full of dog poop in Dallas in the summer is… well… let’s not speak of it. (The dog poop has been evacuated. Oh! Hee! Hoo! Haa! I crack myself up!)
So, this had the makings of a false stream. We had these completely insane neighbors who went through a very public divorce a couple of years ago. And when I say public, I mean that the wife would come outside, leave her empty home, to scream at her husband on the phone. Good times. So, she had stolen these rocks from an apartment building they were tearing down up the street. When she moved, she put them in our front yard. For all her faults, she was very sweet. I decided to try and do a false stream, as I’d seen on HGTV. Oh yes, I am THAT person… the one who watches a half hour show and then thinks she can do whatever it was they did on the show? That’s me. I recently told my husband that I could build a deck. He laughed. So, the “stream” was my attempt to make a decorative something or other back there for all of my succulents. It didn’t work. For one thing, the dogs decided that the stream was the perfect place to go potty. Have you ever heard the phrase, “a river of you know what”? Yeah…
This area is fenced off because I planted a vegetable garden back here. It didn’t work out so well because we have so many critters in our neighborhood and they ate everything. But I did spread some lovely homemade compost so it’s very fertile back here. That means there are lots and lots of weeds growing happily! Yay for me! I do still have a peach tree and a fig tree growing. Maybe some herbs. How would you know? It’s a tangled mess! On the bright side, I do have a plot at the Lake Highlands Community Garden, now. Here’s what my plot looked like before the record breaking heat:
This is another shot at that back space. My rain barrel has fallen over, as has the metal grating I was going to use to grow loofahs to give as Christmas presents. That happened. Oh, no, wait, it didn’t. Oh, and there are a bunch of vertical garden containers I bought from Smith Hawken when they were going out of business. I started painting them white to blend in with the house then gave up. I think I might have run out of spray paint and forgotten about it. That could be the title of this little story: Spray Paint and Forgetting. Wait, that makes me sound like a huffer. Never mind.
OK, are you ready for the piece de resistance? It’s coming! You’re almost there! You might want to take some deep breaths before you turn the page. It’s just that bad.
You might be wondering what this is. I couldn’t blame you for wondering that. It’s a grill. No, really, it’s a grill. My husband decided to use all of these pavers we had left over from our front yard overhaul (and that truly is lovely when it isn’t 107 for a gajillion days in a row), so he decided to build this grill. Right next to the bamboo. Hang on, I need to breathe into a paper bag for a moment…. OK, all better. So, the grill worked OK, despite its appearance, but then my husband abandoned it. Rats live in it now. Yes, rats. My husband thinks he is going to get it back up and running. I think that’s going to be a lonely pursuit. Mmmm, rat!
We apologize for subjecting you to this horror and hope you decide we are the worst. I think we’re the worst in the best sort of way.
With much love, poop and forgetting,
Liesl, Jon, Buffalo, Beowulf, Potter, Molly, Tam Tam, Pearl, Dixon, Harvey, and Ozymandias
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